9 October 2006 – I noticed a big lump on my left breast.  This is scary.  It was not there few months ago.

14 October 2006  - I had my Mammogram at Medical City and the result reads "Additional ultrasound evaluation is recommended to further assess the breast parenchyma".  This is becoming scarier.

23 October 2006  -  God makes me brave when I am afraid… He makes me strong when I am weak… but most of all He teaches me to hold on to Him when things keep on falling.  That is what I am doing right now… holding on to God.  I had an Ultrasound at Medical City and the result reads "Suspicious abnormality. Biopsy should be considered".  My life is being turned upside down and inside out.  The ordeal is far from over.

27 October 2006  - I went to Dr. Diana Cua (Breast Cancer Surgeon) to show the test results.  I was praying hard that it was just a lump, not a cancer.  When Dr. Cua saw the films she bluntly said “I THINK IT’S CANCER”.  There were contradicting signs though such as the lump was mobile and she could not feel any lymph node on my armpit.  I was trying to get hope and strength from these contradicting signs.  In the silence of my heart, I was hoping that these signs shall be used by God as vessel of His miracle.

Sample tissues were taken from the lump for biopsy.  My experience at the biopsy table haunted me for so many nights.  I’ve been through a lot but I’ve never been as scared in my life.

I could not sleep.  As I watch my family in their sleep I could not stop myself from being sad about the whole situation.  Believing that God would save me on this could not ease the pain I feel.  I realized that life’s twist could happen anytime and nothing could prepare me for it.  The planner in me was not able to consider this in the plan. . .  the dreamer in me failed to foresee this in the dream.  I’m not sure where this twist would lead me.  My only consolation is that this is happening to me and not to any member of my family.  I guess that is more painful.

28 October 2006 – I am trying to be cool amidst all these pero sumasabog ako.

31 October 2006  - The result of the biopsy was released and it reads "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma" .  I have breast cancer.   Suddenly I am taking a new and strange path.  I felt my life came to a halt.

I was given two options:

• Lumpectomy – only the lump shall be removed.  I shall undergo few cycles of chemotherapy prior to the operation to decrease the size of the lump.  With lumpectomy, radiation is a must.  This option would mean I can preserve my left breast.

• Mastectomy – my left breast shall be removed completely.  After the operation, I shall undergo chemotherapy.  Depending on the size of the lump, I might undergo radiation.

I was given a month to decide.

I felt I died a thousand deaths.  I was dying each time I try to stop myself from asking “Why me Oh Lord?”.  Suddenly being able to sleep is already a gift.  The tears, they continuously fall… when I see my family… when I think of the dreams not yet fulfilled.  There are so many things running on my mind.  For the first time I am having a hard time describing my feelings.  I hope this is just a dream.

1 November 2006 - I must admit that faith is not yet enough for there is still room in my heart for fear.  I am asking God to give me the strength to desire the circumstance that I’m in now and the wisdom not to allow this to break my spirit.  I believe that the end of my rope is the beginning of God’s.  I reached the end of mine and I am allowing God to take in and bring me to where I should go.  This is the best time for me to think about the purpose of my life.  Life has been good to me.  And I believe that I have been good to the life that God has been given me.  Then . . . this twist.  I pray that I may be able to pass this and receive the gift that it brings.
 
2 November 2006 – I don’t need a month to know what I want.  I want to live long so I can grow old with Ljay and for me to be able to see my children make life.  I opted for mastectomy because I believe it will give me greater peace of mind.  The operation day was set on 7 November 2006.

Life's twist could happen anytime and nothing could prepare me for it.  But not a single moment I allowed the joy of knowing that I am a precious child of God leave me.  I know that He shall hold me in the palm of His hand.  This sickness, no matter how gruesome it may sound, shall be used as a vessel of God's love and grace for me and my family and maybe those people around me.  The most difficult part, accepting and embracing my situation, is over.  It's now time to wait for the small and big miracles of God's love to happen in my life.  I should not also fail to learn the lesson this experience is trying to teach me.

3 November 2006 – I had Blood Tests, Chest X-ray and ECG as requirement for the operation.

4 November 2006 – This would not be a desirable journey I know.  But I believe the ending would justify all these.  I shall start dreaming for the day that I will be declared clean.

5 November 2006 – I still get emotional most of the time.  But I’m trying to be strong.  I need to survive not only for my boys but for my family who is most hurting with what is happening to me.  I never realized ‘til now that the greatest treasure I have is my family.  They are always there.  I could not complain. . . I could not ask for more. 
 
6 November 2006 – I had 2D Echo as a requirement for the chemotherapy.

7 November 2006

• 2:00 a.m. - In a few hours I would be going under the knife… I will be facing the greatest battle of my life and for my life.  As I fully entrust myself to God, I acknowledge that this is no longer my fight, it becomes HIS.  The GREATEST HEALER is with the doctors in completely removing this alien in my body.  I am already claiming victory.  I am healed and my life is a witness of God’s love and healing power.

• 5:30 a.m. – I am miraculously calm as we travel to Makati Medical Center.  In my heart, I would like to believe that the path I am taking is the path to complete recovery.  But my mind is also telling me that this could also be a journey to death.  But no, I will survive. . . I just know I will.

• 6:30 a.m. – As I am seated at the waiting area of the Operating Room, I am listening to a song and I am singing . . .  You are the God who healed me. . . You are the Lord, my healer. . .

• 7:00 a.m. – I was called to the Operating Room.  I returned my wedding ring to LJay.  Suddenly tears fell on his face.  I promised him that no matter what I will come back. . . for him. . .  for Kuya . . . and for Bunso.

• 8:00 a.m. - Modified Radical Mastectomy was done on me.  I bade goodbye to my left breast.

• 12:15 p.m. – I woke up hearing the voice of Dr. Cua telling me “Everything went well.  You should be alright.”  This doctor is heaven sent. . . an angel sent by God to assure me of His care and love.

10 November 2006 - The days that followed were bliss.  The love and support from family and friends simply overwhelmed me.  There were people I don’t expect to see but they were there.  Some that I expect did not show up, but I forgive them, life is too short and too precious to hold grudges.
 
13 November 2006 – The pathology report on what was taken from my left breast was released.  It is stage 2A.  The 20 lymph nodes taken from me were all negative of metastasis.  Dr. Cua told me that I was able to detect it just right on time.  God is good and He really loves me.  I shall undergo chemotherapy but not radiation.  This is good enough.  I shall make it.

Every step of the way I was hoping that somewhere God will pick me up.  Up to the time my left breast was removed, I could not see a sign.  I asked Him “Kelan mo ko dadamputin?  It is becoming too late.  I am already broken”.  When Dr. Cua told me “You detected it just right on time.”, it echoed on me.  It made me realize that from the time I detected it, God has been there.  Just right on time is perfect time and perfect time is God’s time.

Healing may be a long process but the Lord sits beside me, holding me in a hug, sharing my pain, weeping as I weep.  The Lord is teaching me to wait. . . to be patient. . . and I will not disappoint Him.  Like an eagle, I will wait for the right current of the wind so I could soar with Him.