23 November 2006 – I met my chemotherapy doctor…  Dr. Francisco Vicente Lopez… one of the bests.  I felt God sent me another angel through him.  My sickness was never explained clearly to me as Dr. Lopez did.  It was scary to know the truth, but for me to be able to beat my enemy I need to be familiar with its characteristics and behavior.  We planned the regimen and the timing of the treatment.  I will have 6 cycles, every three weeks, and the first treatment shall be done on 29th November 2006.  Dr. Lopez gave me the next sweetest assurance in my life “Don’t worry, you will be alright.”

This would not be a good Christmas and New Year for me.  But it’s alright if this would mean that I will have more Christmases and New Years in my life.

27 November 2006 – As suggested by Dr. Lopez, I cut my hair short (bob cut) to minimize the trauma of hair fall.  I want to have a kakay look, but Ljay is not ready for it.  This is one of the things I learned from this experience - to consider not just my feelings but how the people around me would feel about the way I cope up with the sickness and the treatments.  This sickness is trying to get so many things from me, but it is also giving so many things to me.  God will never really leave me empty.  He will use every opportunity to assure me of His presence in my life.   

28 November 2006 – I was not able to sleep well.  I always have this fear of the unknown.  What is chemotherapy and how my body shall respond to it?  I feel that this chemotherapy thing is a fight to an enemy which I am not sure if it still exists.  But I still need to undergo this for my and my family’s peace of mind.  I need to follow a protocol.  I just pray that I may be able to get its maximum benefit and be spared from its adverse side effects.

In this time of uncertainty I am finding solace in the knowledge that all of us go thru only one path - the path of faith under a very loving God who promised not for a moment He will abandon us.  God’s wisdom is greater than my confusion; His healing power is greater than my disease; His grace is greater than my problem; and His love is greater than my sorrow.  I am praying for the grace to accept His will and to open myself to His leading.

FIRST CHEMO TREATMENT

29 November 2006 – I had my first chemo session. It was not as scary as I thought.  I am praying hard that the next treatments would also be like this.  One down, five na lang.  God is good and He really loves me.

7 December 2006 – I’d like to stop for a while to appreciate the people in my life.  My family… my relatives… my officemates… my community… my classmates… my friends… a lot… a lot of people are praying for me.  I am also praying for them.. always…  that they may never get tired of loving and taking care of me. . .  that may God return to them the generosity of their hearts.

My brother Gerry texted me asking “Ano ang gawa mo?”  I replied “Reading a book, watching TV, umulan kaya masarap ang klima, tinanaw ko ang mga halaman sa garden maganda na sila, inikot ko ang bahay ko maganda pala siya.  Ginagawa ang mga bagay na nakaligtaang gawin dahil sa abalang buhay.  In short, I am appreciating life.”

My life has been a struggle to achieve the things that I want...  things that would make me feel fulfilled.  But it needed one sickness for me to be able to stop and realize that in the midst of achieving things I have missed so much.  It’s an irony to achieve so much but miss so much as well.  God gave me this opportunity to realize the gifts He has given me… gifts that were provided not because I deserve them but because of His immense love for me.

It is a great favor to be given the opportunity to have a longer and deeper prayer time.  My being has not been as connected to a Higher Being.

14 December 2006 - signs of hair loss started to show.  I had my second hair cut (barbers cut).  Ljay is still not ready for the kakay look.  I realized one thing, mas pogi ako kay Ljay.

SECOND CHEMO TREATMENT

19 December 2006 – I had my blood tests as requirement for my 2nd chemotherapy.  Needles – damn needles.  Bakit ba naimbento ang needles, sana scotch tape na lang.

20 December 2006 – I had my second chemotherapy session.  It was lighter than the first; I was able to go home right after the session.  Two down, 4 na lang.  God is good and He really loves me.

22 and 23 December 2006 – I spoke too soon.  Chemo meds were not my best friends this time.  I experienced severe discomfort… nausea and vomiting accompanied me for two days… severe constipation also tried to get my attention.  Do you know what I am thinking? – I am thinking that I am trying to save my life from cancer by embracing chemotherapy, but I feel chemotherapy wants to kill me as well.  Hay! 

I also experienced some kind of depression.  I feel so alone and lonely.  Tears don’t want to stop to flow.  Ljay and my sons cannot go to my room because they have colds.  For a touch person like me, not being able to be hugged by my family is a punishment to its maximum.  My hair loss (they are all gone now) also contributed to the bad feeling. . . vanity. . .  vanity.

24 December 2006 – God is good.  One day before His birthday I am up and about… as if nothing happened.  It will still be a good Christmas after all.

25 December 2006 – For the first time I had a quiet Christmas.  In a way it was good.  I was able to focus on the true reason of the season.  I celebrated Christmas just like the way Christ entered in this world. . . in all its simplicity.

Foremost of the lessons my situation is trying to teach me is to live one day at a time.  All my life I have been a planner, a dreamer and an achiever.  I realized that no matter how organized one’s life is, things may crumble in a snap.  But there is always a consolation in the knowledge that in the middle of the debris, God ensures that the things essential shall remain, float and shine.

Another lesson is that I really do not own my life.  Any moment the Owner could decide to bring it back to where it should belong.  So while waiting for that time, I need to ensure that my way of living is aligned to the Owner’s purpose why I am here.

I am aware that my life would never be the same again.  I resolve not to waste a single moment by worrying and fretting.  Each day shall be treated as if it will be the last and therefore must be spent and experienced to its fullest.  May I have the wisdom to discern the real purpose of my life.
 
31 December 2006 – My 2006 has been great despite the cancer thing.  I could have not survived it without the love of God thru people who showed so much concern.  I will not let the year come to its close without saying I am so grateful to them for being with me in this most trying time of my life.  I am no longer afraid to face the remaining part of the regimen because I know they will be still be there praying for me.  I will be forever grateful to these people.

THIRD CHEMO TREATMENT

8 January 2007 – My third chemotherapy session is just around the corner.  Every time I think of it, every part of my body reacts because it remembers the pain it has gone thru the last session.  I am praying hard that my physical and emotional state is ready for the next session.

11 January 2007 – I had my blood tests as requirement to my 3rd chemotherapy.  I think I need to befriend those damn needles so that they will not make my life miserable.

I am scared because Ljay is not with me.  I allowed him to join his car activity group so he could have a break from me.  I believe he has to be away from me once in a while so he would not get tired of taking care of me.  And I also need to regain my independence.
 
12 January 2007 - I had my third chemotherapy session after wrestling with the idea of backing out.  I complained to Dr. Lopez my previous experience and he told me to look at the brighter side of the experience – I will get healed.  Three down, three na lang. God is good and He really loves me.

25 January 2007 – Today is James 10th birthday.  Before he blew his candles, he made a wish “Sana gumaling na si mommy ko”.  I feel glad that my youngest love me enough to forego a wish for himself to make a wish for his mom, but I also feel sad that my children are being exposed to this kind of trial this early.  If I could only shield them from this situation, I would.  I just hope that this experience shall make my boys better and stronger persons.

“To Jamie, my bunso. . . I will survive because of your healing hugs.  Thank you and I love You.”

28 January 2007 – I thank the Lord for today is our 17th wedding anniversary.  I am wishing for more years for me and Ljay to grow in love for each other and for God.

“Ljay. . . Oh my Ljay. . . how could I ever repay the love and goodness you have shown me thru the years.  I could never outdo your generosity.”

FOURTH CHEMO TREATMENT

4 February 2007 – I had my blood tests as requirement for my 4th chemotherapy.  I was alarmed by the results.  My white blood cells failed to recover despite the additional 2 days.  But it seemed my doctor was not bothered by it so why should I.  I think I am reading too much. . . information overload.

5 February 2007 – I had my 4th chemo session.  As planned, we shifted to new medicine – TAXOTERE.  Side effect of this chemo med is different from the first set of meds.  Goodbye to nausea and vomiting, hello to muscle pains.  Four down, two na lang.  God is great!

7 February 2007 – As instructed by Dr. Lopez, I did not wait for the pain before taking pain reliever.  I started taking my pain reliever, so I started sleeping.

9 February 2007 – I had an attack of severe depression.  I’m not sure where is it coming from.  Maybe from the medicines. . . I feel I am tired of being in my bedroom. . . I am even tired of seeing my bathroom. . . I am tired of everything. . . of everyone. . . of myself. . . of the sickness. . . of the treatments. . . of life. 

12 February 2007 – Today is Lance’s 16th birthday.  We tried to make it as happy as possible.  I’m not sure if my eldest was happy.  He seemed to be distant.  Was it because of his being a teenager or was it because of his mom’s condition?  I could not forget how he cried when he learned of my condition.  Since then he has been so supportive of me, ensuring that I am always alright.  Suddenly there was a reversal of roles.  The child I used to take care of is now the one taking care of me.  The boy I am always worried about is now the one worrying about me.

“To Lance, . thank you Kuya for being a cheerful son. . .  thanks for the effort to always make me laugh.  Ajum Kuya.  I will get healed, promise.

FIFTH CHEMO TREATMENT

27 February 2007 – I had my blood tests as requirement for my 5th chemotherapy.  Through the days my veins and the needles became best of friends.  It seemed that the needle already knows its way to my vein.

28 February 2007 – I had my 5th chemo session.  Five down, one na lang (yehey).  I asked Dr. Lopez if I could wait for the pain before taking the pain reliever so I would have an idea what kind of pain is it and the exact time the pain will start kicking in.
 
7 March 2007 – I did not take pain reliever at all.  The pain was tolerable and it started to kick in exactly 48 hours after the chemo med was injected on me.
 
8 March 2007 – I had low grade fever.  I got scared.  It is not good for me to have fever during chemo period.  We texted Dr. Lopez who instructed us to immediately have my blood tests and to start taking antibiotics.  Ljay was trying to hide his anger from me.  He was blaming me for this fever because I went malling (lakwatsera kasi). 

I had my blood tests and the results showed most of the counts were at alarming level (it was not because of my malling haha).  I’m sure Taxotere was able to kill whatever remaining cancer cell there is because it almost killed me.

9 – 10 March 2007 – They injected something on me to bring my WBC and neutrophil to unalarming levels (they are still below the normal levels).  It has to be injected on my tummy, I’m not sure if the nurse noticed that she injected it on my bilbil (hahaha mahabang lakbayin ang gagawin ng medicine, kapal bilbil ko eh).

12 March 2007 – I had another blood test to check if my blood counts went to unalarming levels.  Thanks God, they did, so the injections stopped.

23 March 2007 – On Monday I will have my 6th and last chemo.  It feels great.  Malapit na ang graduation ko.  Parang kelan lang when I was diagnosed, now the treatment is about to finish.  Mauuna pa akong gagraduate kay Lance.  Mauuna pa akong magre-resurrect kay Kristo.

SIXTH AND LAST CHEMO TREATMENT

25 March 2007 – I had my blood tests as requirement for my 6th and LAST chemotherapy.  The results showed that I am ready for my last chemo session.

26 March 2007 – The needles did not make my last session painless.  I had five insertions before they found a vein that will accept the medicine.  I thought I will die on my graduation day.  But with the grace of God, I made it!

30 March 2007 – This is the saddest day of my life.  I have been waiting for this day – Lance high school graduation – but I could not join him because my immune system is so weak.  It broke my heart to see him and his daddy left the house without me.  Di bale, may college pa.

“To Lance, sorry Kuya.  I will make it up to you, promise.

01 April 2007 – I believe that I am okay after this and that I am ready to reenter to normal life, minus the hair which will take another 6 months to grow to an acceptable length.  When I started all this I said that life’s twist could happen anytime and nothing could prepare me for it.  Now, I am saying no preparation could be better than the one done for me by the Lord.  So many things happened which made me realize that God prepared me for this experience.  And I have great joy in tracing His hands in every step of the journey.

After overcoming the shock of having cancer, undergoing modified radical mastectomy and surviving the gruesome side effects of chemotherapy, a friend of mine told me that I am like a reconditioned engine.  Another friend told me that I am now living on borrowed time.  How do I feel about these comments?  I feel BLESSED!  I feel blessed that I had the opportunity to undergo the best reconditioning that I could have.  And I feel blessed that my Creator gave me another breath of life.